As Christmas gets closer and closer, my fear grows more and more. On my non binary and agender days my dysphoria is awful and no matter how many sport bras I put on or how hard it try to bind, it takes so much mental strength to hold myself together and not break down every second. Not to mention looking in the mirror on those days is almost unbearable, I always break down in tears, trying to hold back and silence the uncontrollable sobs because the person in the mirror does not look like who I feel I am inside. I'm terrified I'll be made to stuff myself into a dress, slap some makeup and a smile on my face for Christmas and Christmas Eve, I'm even more scared that it'll end up being on of my Agender or Non binary days because that'd be just my luck. I haven't told a soul about me being anything other than my gender assigned at birth, I'm terrified. I don't feel safe or comfortable anywhere, I feel like I'm a doll, alone and trapped inside this cage, made to dress and look how everyone wants me to. I don't know what to do, so much of my family is homophobic and even my aunt who completely supports me on my sexuality, I don't feel comfortable telling. I feel like no one around me understands, and God I hate my name. It's birthname this, birthname that, I hate how feminine it sounds, it makes me sick. I want it changed so badly, especially at school, writing my name is awful, I hate that it's what I have to be called. And I want to get an undercut because although I do love my long hair I feel that an haircut could help my dysphoria a bit. And I just wish I could be in contact with my mom to tell her everything I've figured out about who I really am, She's the one person I know I can tell everything to and her still love me unconditionally. But sadly she let her life fall apart and I no longer have a way of contacting her. And my "girlfriend", that's complicated in it's own way, I don't even know if we're even still together or not, but I want to marry this girl more than anything. I have no clue how she would take my sexuality or my gender, I don't think her family would take it well either, especially her homophobic dad. The one thing I do know is that my grandparents I live with would absolutely not take it well at all, it'd cause a huge argument and in the worst case scenario possibly me being disowned. But I know if the worst comes my supportive aunt would take care of me, I don't think she'd judge me or hate me, I believe she'd still support me but I'm just terrified to have to explain something I barely understand myself, and what if she does hate me for it? I'm so scared. If anyone can help please, PLEASE, do. I need help so badly. Thanks for listening to my big rant... <3
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3 Comments
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First may I suggest talking to a trained professional about your gender dysphoria because it is a diagnosable mental disorder that can possibly lead to suicide if not properly treated. I recommend going to the suicide prevention hotline because when I couldn't go to therapy since my family didn't know I had thoughts thoughts or If I needed help with something in a hurry. You can also talk to them if you aren't currently suicidal like how I did when I just went through something that I was afraid could lead me down a depression spiral and I would talk to them to prevent or lessen the pain so I don't go completely over the edge. Also these people are trained handle this and have experience so they may have better advice then I would have. I recommend doing the live chats because its a shorter wait time and no one will be able to overhear your conversation if your not comfortable with them knowing about this stuff. Ways I personally deal with my dysphoria is by putting on something on that expresses parts of my gender identity that my family dont know of or disapprove of when i'm alone like putting on the makeup I convinced them to get me for halloween to make my outside look more how I feel inside or just escape into my mind and star in stories I made up to where I can be anything I want. This is just something that helps me deal with my dysphoria in the closet so i'm not sure if these will work for you. Also for the hair thing I recommend if you live with your aunt or able to be in the same room without getting sick then I recommend having her take you to get it cut because it sound like she would understand that you just want to have a shorter haircut without all the sexism or you could use a excuse like your cousin accidently got gum in your hair or you accidentally burned your hair with a curler or a straightener and you can't stand for it to be uneven and you need to cut it a shorter length to make it look normal. It will give your family a excuse that they will except better than truth if there not excepting. Also remember you don't have to understand something to accept it like how I don't completely understand all the different sexualities and gender identities but that doesn't change the fact that I know there valid and would accept those who identify with them without thinking twice. I don't have any advice for the girlfriend thing because I never really dated anyone or came out to someone yet. Also If there is anything I can do to help with your dysphoria please let me know and remember that we will alway be here to both help and support you in anyway. I hope this was helpful.