CW - talk of suicidal ideations, depression, anxiety, etc.
hello! i haven't posted on here in a while, but i've been struggling quite a bit recently with social stuff in high school. for context, i am a highschooler (10-11th grade) in america and a theatre kid (i know, i know). so, i like this guy. he is a year above me in school, he does theatre too (performance), and i think he's bi (i am as well, but my gay-dar is wack so who knows). he's really sweet, he has DECENT STYLE (and black nail polish), and is overall really cool, but there's one itty bitty issue... he would never like me.
so, i am incredibly insecure - i did performance theatre for over 8 years and then pretty much switched to tech at the end of last year because i found out that i have RSD and funnily enough, that's kinda rough when you wanna be an actor. i used to have so much confidence as a kid; i was the lead in shows, i've played music for as long as i can remember, i was THE theatre kid at my very small school, and then i realized that my friends didn't actually like me. well, i'm at a totally different school now and i've pretty much retreated into my shell. in spring 2021, i auditioned for this audition only musical theatre class, was rejected because i wasn't confident enough, and that was pretty much the last straw for me because that used to be something i was good at, until i realized how much people talked about me behind my back. sorry for the trauma dump, but it's kinda relevant because this guy and all of the popular theatre kids are in said class, as well as some of my friends.
the peak of this anxiety came a few weeks ago with homecoming. i went with friends as a group and there was some connection with their group of people (including this guy). i was getting so paranoid - i could have sworn i saw him looking at me, that maybe he said something and it makes me feel so, so dumb because i'm a smart person - my lowest grade is a 97 and i work my ass off in school, and yet this sucks. to make things worse, the girl one of my friends is dating (a year above me) is always bringing up that everyone had a crush on him in her grade, whenever he is brought up in conversation, and it makes me feel really uncomfy. none of my friends know because i feel like they might tease me since a. this girl is now in the group and has made such a point that everyone liked him as a right of passage in theatre or something that it makes me feel weird, and b. i am bi but "look straight" (in a joking way) according to some of my friends (all of which are queer). anyways, at homecoming, people took all these pictures and i despise the way i look in all of them (same goes to any photo but especially these ones) and i just don't know how to not feel like shit, because i have quite literally become suicidal again due to this. i have had suicidal ideations on and off since fifth grade, so it's not abnormal, but i had been doing so well recently.
my crushes are less about wanting a relationship and more about wanting cool people to think that i'm decent, that i'm cool enough to be thought about in the same way i've thought about them. either way, i'm not trying to get married here; just the idea of someone like that thinking of me in a positive light makes me so happy, but i have never had that. additionally, i feel so weird because (i've never told anyone this) i do this thing where i imagine myself talking to him and it seems so dumb but it's that adhd overactive imagination at its finest.
so i really need advice. how do i get my self confidence back and not be annoying? what the fuck do i do about this guy? ugh i just feel so helpless-