I was recently at my therapist and I realize that I have been bottling up my emotions for years and years. It make sense though. I grew up in a place where I never felt safe to be myself from fear of rejection and hatred of others. So it make sense for me to bottle my emotions up because if I showed who I was I would get hurt and be invalidated, and I am amab so most people see me as a guy and guys are taught that if they show any emotion that their weak, and if you do your usually tormented. After that I realized I have never once felt completely safe in my own home then I realised how mess up that is and then I was mad at myself because I wanted to cry oceans of tear but, couldn't because my parents would ask why and I can't tell them why because it tied to my identity which they don't accept and they would either kick me out or invalidate me to the point I start hurting myself again. And the worst part is my parents are planning a group therapy session because I been isolating myself from them because they give gender dysphoria and trigger my suicidal thoughts and I have years and year of emotions bottled up and me so there a chance I may blow up on them but, I can't tell them that because it all tied into my identity and like I said before I'm pretty sure they will kick me out on the fact I want to wear makeup alone or invalidate me to the point I start hurting myself again and terrified it might come out during the group session because it tied to my trauma. So any support will be much appreciated right now, sorry for the rant.
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Edited: Feb 16, 2021
Wish Me Luck.
Wish Me Luck.
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I recently went through the group session. it went well and I didn't accidentally out myself. We mainly talked about how I felt like my voice wasn't being heard and how my dad is a source of a lot of trauma. It didn't make a lot of progress though because they are still not listening to me and my dad refuses to acknowledge he caused so much trauma.
We were suppose to have the group session today but my mother decided to move it to next week because my father was home and she didn't want him to be there during our group session (the therapy is over video chat because of covid). While I'm glad I don't have more time before I have to do the group session I find it odd that my mom wants to just have her do the session with me. I am glad though because she ignorant when it comes to Queerness but she not very hateful about it like my dad. I just find it odd though that my mom didn't want my dad their.
Aw sweetheart, it's heartbreaking that you have to go through this. I'm not sure how great I would be to give advice for this, but just know that even when it seems that no one is there for you, we support and love you no matter what and you're beautiful <3 You got this, and you're badass for fighting through this
Don't apologize, it's what we're here for. Also I think that the most important thing you can do while in the group therapy is to be careful of what you say. Be sure to word things correctly and not let anything slip out that might hint to your identity. And let me tell you, you are so incredibly strong to be able to last in the harmful environment that you have to live in everyday. Even though it might not always feel this way, you will get through this, and we'll be here to make sure you do, we're behind you every step of the way. Always remember that you are loved, not alone, and above all, valid. I wish you the absolute best of luck, you can do this! <3