I never really had crushes until I yr12 (16/17) I'm now in yr 13 (17/18) and I can only think of one crush I have properly had which was on a guy. During school, I never really thought about it as I was always working for my A-levels (which are now cancelled so I have no work) I have had a lot more time to think. So now I'm wondering if I'm into girls or non-binary people (but I don't think I know any so idk?) I remember wondering about getting with a girl for new years but then I ended up getting with a guy and we talked for a bit but I wasn't partially attracted to him, which I know is bad but I think I just liked the attention as I don't really get much attention in that way (sorry if this whole post is TMI) so I kinda just put the whole thought about girls out of my mind. Then the gay side of tiktok made start thinking about all this again, a lot were just straight up telling me I was lesbian or bi which really got me thinking.
So I tried thinking back to my childhood and I can't really remember any obvious signs of me being queer but then again none for me being straight and I never really had crushes. Although I do remember I went through a phase of only really wearing boys clothing but I've always been a tomboy and I just prefer the bright orange and blue rather than the pinks and purples and I still avoid dresses at all costs and never wear makeup. But I don't think that should define my sexuality of gender.
Anyway being in lockdown as meant I haven't been able to experiment but then again if I wasn't in lockdown I don't know who I would experiment with because all the queer girls I know are in relationships or I just don't feel partially attracted to them until I'm drunk but, then that could be because I'm drunk and just feeling more confident. I also live in a small town where everyone knows everyone so there aren't really that many options And I have no clue how to talk to people online or start a conversation so I just haven't tried to and even if I knew how to I don't know who I would want to talk to.
I tried watching porn to figure it out and I just don't feel that turned on by any of it but I know that boys can make me feel horny but I'm just not sure about girls. I feel like I go through phases where sometimes I do think I like girls, but others when I'm just not sure.
I'm not sure if I have a whole load of internalised homophobia (which I'm sure I do) which is stopping me from realising I like girls. Or if I want to be queer because I am incredibly and privileged and I feel like I need something to make me less of a spoilt basic girl (although I do really appreciate everything my parents do because my dad works so hard - not saying that other peoples parents don't). So maybe i'm make it up seem like I have something to make me more relatable/human-like I have been something I'm honestly not quite sure what I mean. And I know so many people really struggle and face massive amounts of homophobia. Or I'm not sure if I'm just making this all up in my head looking for attention, but I've only told one friend and I didn't go into this much detail and we haven't spoken about it since.
So anyway sorry for a very long-winded ramble but basically just not sure what my sexuality is and it's stressing me out and my head is just like ahhhhhhhhhhh. Although I know everyone always says take your time to figure it out it seems as if everyone my age has had it sussed for ages. But anyway I just wanted to let some of this out because it's been going around my head for so long and I don't really know what to do.