Sauturday night i got really anxious and self harmed (i had been done for like 6 months)
tuesday my math unit was due and i worked my ass of last second to finish it, and i didnt get all of it done ofc so i got a 70% for my one and only grade right before grade checks
wenday i had a swim meet (whenever i come out of a depressive episode sometimes my memory gets repressed) so i wanted to put my glasses away and i opened up my glasses case and saw a rope i had put in there and froze up (all in front of the guy i like because of course gosh damm it)
later i was about to miss my event so i went to toss my phone aside and it bounced of a wall and into the pool and i froze up and had a panic attack cuz i didnt know what to do.
My phone ended up breaking and i had to pay for the replacement, and now i have 31 cents to my name
My coaches gave me a talk all like heeey its all good everythings great we love ya! and all that but when i got home that was a different story my mom made me feel like a disappointment and when i told her how she made me feel she started yelling like (well i didnt say *you're* a disappointment i was saying you just let your team down) im right how dare you explain that your feelings are hurt. fun... (my parents apologized after but still)
now i feel bad. I feel like Im given to much. I have so much privilege opportunity. I mean Im in a special high school program where ill graduate with an assosiates degree. and what do i do? Avrege work, hate my guts, and waste all of it?
op yea and then yesterday i tried getting a free game and downloaded a virus (which has straight up never happened b4) annnnd spent bout half the day getting rid of it. op annnnd i gotta watch 3 rlly depressing documenteries and write reaction papers by next week for sociology class. fuuun