I've been feeling very unmotivated recently and I feel like no matter what I do, it's useless anyway. And I'm getting older and older with every second that passes which is so scary because I'm not ready. But I can't just pause the world and get a moment to breathe, everything is always happening and things change, without my consent needed. I know I have good friends and my life isn't even that bad at the moment but I feel burned out and at the same time the possibility of having nothing to do scares me even more because then I'm alone with my thoughts and I could honestly just sleep forever. It's not like I long for death, maybe it's just a little bit of control that I need which then leads me back to last year and my eating disorder although I really thought I was over it but the thoughts are back. I haven't given in yet and I hope I won't but I know that the voice is loud and screams at me to just skip a meal. and I feel unproductive because I'm spending my time with fandoms and streams rather than learning stuff for school or investing time in my other interests. I've lost the ability to pay attention for a long time so reading is something I want to do but can't at the same time. I know that, technically, I just need a goal to look forward to and work for but I can't get myself to do anything.
if you read this far, a few reassuring words would be very much appreciated!! :]