This is just me ranting, feel free to ignore, read, comment, share, what ever.
I'm having quite a time with my gender identity. I err on the masculine side of non binary I think. I like they/them pronouns but want strangers to think I'm a boy or be confused. But I can't find a name that fits me. I know it takes take and I will find one eventually but it still hurts and I hate my dead name and every uses it because they don't know. At school, everyone uses it as well as she/her pronouns and usually I cam ignore it but sometimes it just gets to me. And there's the dysphoria (not usually to bad thankfully).
Talking of school, that's just added stress. At the school I go to, in my year we have a big class play (usually a Shakespeare) and I'm the main character in ours. That means lots of lines to learn and possibly singing. I enjoy performing and do drama outside of school (in that we're doing a musical so even more lines and singing) but it is very stressful. We also have a big project to do that has to be finished soon. I'm nearly done with that but it's still added panicking and a presentation (AAHHH Stress!!!).
At the end of the year, I'm changing schools and will be moving house for the first time as well. And my parents will be getting separate houses for the first time which should reduce arguments but means I have to divide my stuff which is concerning and stressing me out.
I live in the UK where we have two sets of big, significant exams, GCSEs (General Certificate of Secondary Education) and A levels (Advanced levels) in four years. I have my GCSEs coming up in two years and should be choosing my options but because I'm changing schools, I haven't got my options yet. We have to do Science, Maths and English as well as choosing others (options depend on the school) and I am awful at Maths tests so that's already stressing me out. I usually do well at school so I have placed high expectations on myself and most people have similar expectations of me as well (I think). I manage not to worry about A levels yet as I've got four years before I take them and I can choose all of the subjects myself but sometimes I think about getting into good a good university (collage for Americans and maybe others) and that makes me worry even more. I know it doesn't matter very much but I do want to go to a good one.
I always try to keep an eye on the mental health of my classmates as I have a small class and know a bit about it. I know it isn't up to me and it adds to my worries but I only want to help and keep an eye out for anyone hurting themselves.
I also worry sometimes that I might have anxiety. Worrying runs in my family and having looked at a list of the symptoms, I get most of them.
I struggle opening up to people most of the time, especially my parents. I don't want to burden them as I know they are busy and stressed and I don't know how seriously they would take it. My mum is a psychotherapist and my dad does coaching so I know they take mental health seriously but I think they might think that I'm exaggerating/nothing more than normal. When I write this, it feels like I'm exaggerating even though I know I'm not and this isn't even everything on my mind. And I know loads of people have it worse. My parents are lovely and supportive and loving (even if they don't take about their problems much).
While I'm writing this, my hands are shaking and most of my body is trembling slightly. My heart feels heavy/like it's got a weight on it. It makes me want to cry but there are no tears in my eyes. My usual trick to make me cry is to read something sad and that does make me cry but the weight is still there and it isn't as relieving as I hoped. I'm struggling to concentrate and I'm procrastinating doing my homework even though it isn't hard, it just takes time and concentration.
Fuck, this is really long so I'm gonna stop. I hope that made a sliver of sense. Thank you if you made it to the end and I hope it doesn't make your heart heavier/make you too sad or worried. If anyone has any advice, I will be grateful but this is mostly just me getting it off my chest. If you have any questions about the English school system (or anything)/I haven't made it clear, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to explain. Sending you all love and support. 💗