This is just me ranting, feel free to ignore, read, comment, share, what ever.
I'm having quite a time with my gender identity. I err on the masculine side of non binary I think. I like they/them pronouns but want strangers to think I'm a boy or be confused. But I can't find a name that fits me. I know it takes take and I will find one eventually but it still hurts and I hate my dead name and every uses it because they don't know. At school, everyone uses it as well as she/her pronouns and usually I cam ignore it but sometimes it just gets to me. And there's the dysphoria (not usually to bad thankfully).
Talking of school, that's just added stress. At the school I go to, in my year we have a big class play (usually a Shakespeare) and I'm the main character in ours. That means lots of lines to learn and possibly singing. I enjoy performing and do drama outside of school (in that we're doing a musical so even more lines and singing) but it is very stressful. We also have a big project to do that has to be finished soon. I'm nearly done with that but it's still added panicking and a presentation (AAHHH Stress!!!).
At the end of the year, I'm changing schools and will be moving house for the first time as well. And my parents will be getting separate houses for the first time which should reduce arguments but means I have to divide my stuff which is concerning and stressing me out.
I live in the UK where we have two sets of big, significant exams, GCSEs (General Certificate of Secondary Education) and A levels (Advanced levels) in four years. I have my GCSEs coming up in two years and should be choosing my options but because I'm changing schools, I haven't got my options yet. We have to do Science, Maths and English as well as choosing others (options depend on the school) and I am awful at Maths tests so that's already stressing me out. I usually do well at school so I have placed high expectations on myself and most people have similar expectations of me as well (I think). I manage not to worry about A levels yet as I've got four years before I take them and I can choose all of the subjects myself but sometimes I think about getting into good a good university (collage for Americans and maybe others) and that makes me worry even more. I know it doesn't matter very much but I do want to go to a good one.
I always try to keep an eye on the mental health of my classmates as I have a small class and know a bit about it. I know it isn't up to me and it adds to my worries but I only want to help and keep an eye out for anyone hurting themselves.
I also worry sometimes that I might have anxiety. Worrying runs in my family and having looked at a list of the symptoms, I get most of them.
I struggle opening up to people most of the time, especially my parents. I don't want to burden them as I know they are busy and stressed and I don't know how seriously they would take it. My mum is a psychotherapist and my dad does coaching so I know they take mental health seriously but I think they might think that I'm exaggerating/nothing more than normal. When I write this, it feels like I'm exaggerating even though I know I'm not and this isn't even everything on my mind. And I know loads of people have it worse. My parents are lovely and supportive and loving (even if they don't take about their problems much).
While I'm writing this, my hands are shaking and most of my body is trembling slightly. My heart feels heavy/like it's got a weight on it. It makes me want to cry but there are no tears in my eyes. My usual trick to make me cry is to read something sad and that does make me cry but the weight is still there and it isn't as relieving as I hoped. I'm struggling to concentrate and I'm procrastinating doing my homework even though it isn't hard, it just takes time and concentration.
Fuck, this is really long so I'm gonna stop. I hope that made a sliver of sense. Thank you if you made it to the end and I hope it doesn't make your heart heavier/make you too sad or worried. If anyone has any advice, I will be grateful but this is mostly just me getting it off my chest. If you have any questions about the English school system (or anything)/I haven't made it clear, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to explain. Sending you all love and support. 💗
hello! first of all, you don't owe ANYONE a label. if a name or particular gender identity resonates with you, great! if not, that's also great! second of all, i cannot give you insight on the education system in good ol' britland, but what i can tell you, from a fellow student in the middle of an identity crisis, is that most of this shakes out. i hate it, and it sucks, but it will eventually. it doesn't make it better now, but know that so, so many people are here and think you sound cool (myself included) and no matter what, you have my respect, regardless of how you do with a levels or gesces or anything (and i'm not obligated to say that). the education system frickn sucks in almost every country and you are not defined by its parameters (i am such a hypocrite, but trust me). third of all, I GET WHAT YOU MEAN BY FEELING LIKE YOU ARE OVER EXAGGERATING (sorry, i'm passionate about this). regardless of any diagnoses, outside opinions, or experiences, i always feel like i am lying to myself and everyone around me, and my problems aren't as bad as they seem, but that is not true. (again, i'm a hypocrite). anxiety, depression and other mental health disorders, diagnosed or not, are sucky sometimes. they do not define you AT ALL, but they are a part of your experiences, for better or for worse, and you will grow with them. they aren't always fun, and if i'm sure you understand that it can sometimes be really painful. i get anxiety and panic attacks which sound similar to some of your experiences, and the best thing i have found is to write or do dunk your face in ice water. sensory grounding works for some people, so try that, but in my experience, the act of committing to writing something or getting ice water and shocking your nervous system can really help. please reach out, in replies or messages if you have any questions or anything, and i hope you have a good minute. don't worry about the hour or day or week, just focus on this minute. take a deep breath (if you want to) and take it minute by minute. I don't like to say that you will get through this, because it sure as hell isn't a simple path with a light at the end, but i know that you will get out of this crappy, run down portion of the path. there will be bumps and hills and puddles and all sorts of other obstacles in this obscure metaphor i am thinking about at 12 am, but there will be patches of grass and flowers and worms (if you like worms) and all sorts of things that make the bumps worth it. there isn't a light at the end of this path, but rather a combination of shadows and sunbeams. (i am so sorry my metaphor obsessed ADHD brain is really tired, but basically have a good night)