tw: suicidal thoughts, swearing, mention of queerphobia
Some days aren’t so bad, I even feel momentary happiness. but whenever I have a moment with no distractions (or sometimes even with distractions) I just feel fucking terrible. I end almost every day thinking about how I wish I didn’t exist, how I just want to die, etc. my parents are queerphobic and christian, coming out to them would risk my wellbeing and I know that, but I’m just so tired of being deadnamed every day, of hiding my own spirituality, of being scared they’ll shelter me further. I keep thinking about what I would do if I got kicked out, about how I really don’t have a person that I’m sure is completely safe, I have never had a non-christian friend, I don’t really know anyone who isn’t a christian except for my brother, who I can’t stay with because he also lives with my parents. I constantly feel like I’m at my breaking point, like if I have to go through another day, I won‘t be able to handle it anymore and I’ll just tell everyone everything. but it never happens, I keep going, and that’s the fucking worst part of it all. I don’t want to exist, I wish I had never existed, because I don’t think I could handle getting deadnamed at my funeral.