tw: suicidal thoughts, swearing, mention of queerphobia
Some days aren’t so bad, I even feel momentary happiness. but whenever I have a moment with no distractions (or sometimes even with distractions) I just feel fucking terrible. I end almost every day thinking about how I wish I didn’t exist, how I just want to die, etc. my parents are queerphobic and christian, coming out to them would risk my wellbeing and I know that, but I’m just so tired of being deadnamed every day, of hiding my own spirituality, of being scared they’ll shelter me further. I keep thinking about what I would do if I got kicked out, about how I really don’t have a person that I’m sure is completely safe, I have never had a non-christian friend, I don’t really know anyone who isn’t a christian except for my brother, who I can’t stay with because he also lives with my parents. I constantly feel like I’m at my breaking point, like if I have to go through another day, I won‘t be able to handle it anymore and I’ll just tell everyone everything. but it never happens, I keep going, and that’s the fucking worst part of it all. I don’t want to exist, I wish I had never existed, because I don’t think I could handle getting deadnamed at my funeral.
Other people seem to have good things to say and advice, which I cannot offer, but I'm sending you some love ❤️
Willow already wrote you a great message - please take it to your heart!
Here are just some additions that I hope might be helpful:
- The Trevor Project offers lifelines, chats and safe spaces for LGBTQ+ youth;
- their suicide hotline would be 1-866-488-7386
- Maybe for some sunrays in your life;
- And please, if you ever need someone to talk to, this would be my email-adress:
All the love from me and I'm sure from everyone on this platform!
Stay strong - you bring something beautiful to this world!
Wow, I am so sorry you go through all of that. I really cannot imagine how hard that must be. I'll start this off by saying that I'm really not the best for advice, but nobody else has helped and somebody is better than nobody I guess. I hope this message helps and I'm really sorry if it doesn't. Firstly, I am proud of you. It must be really difficult to keep going every day. You've made it this far, so please don't end it now. It might not be soon, but things will get better eventually, I promise. Please keep going. You are cared for by AT LEAST someone, even if they are a random stranger trying to help. I hope you can find someone to support you. Just remember, at the end of the day there are tons of people online that completely support you, including me. You can get through this. You matter. You have an effect on the world, no matter how small it is it's still something. There are so many minor good things about life that you could never do again or see. You could never eat your favorite food, listen to music, do a favorite hobby, go outside, feel the wind, etc. Suicide is not the answer. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Though it's not really even a solution. The only advice I can really give is to reach out to someone in person, maybe meet someone new that accepts you. It's not an easy task at all, but if you do have someone there for you it makes things better. If you can, I'd recommend talking to someone about things and getting help. Although, if those things aren't an option, I'd recommend finding a way to express yourself. Like music, art, writing, etc. since keeping things bottled isn't good. Look, I know all of this is probably some generic things that you have heard a million times but please don't do it. I genuinely care about you. I've basically run out of things to say but I do have a video that might help, not sure. Just know I'm here for you and I wish you the best. <3 <3 <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEX-9exMc1A
Edit: Oh my god I am so so sorry I have no idea how I forgot but if you need it, please call a hotline to help you. The suicide hotline in the united states is 800 273 8255